True Confessions: Saturday edition

I am rarely a writer on Saturdays. I tend to get caught up in activities... but today is different.

I am holed up in my room. That's right. I'm 30 and I am hiding in my room to avoid interaction with Alice.

Who is Alice? How much time do you have?

Let me start with some background to our house. I live (for only 3 weeks more) in a gorgeous neighborhood in a prime location. The problem is that the house itself seems to be expelling us. It is all but falling down around us while we watch. As if that weren't bad enough, there is mold and the worst carpet you have ever seen. (*sidenote: when Chancey's mom paid to have it cleaned, the Stanley Steamer guy said, "this carpet will be like your favorite t-shirt... ugly as sin but technically clean." He was right.*)

The reason that our house is such a piece is because our home owner is in her 90's. Who could possibly be expected to maintain a property at that age? Continence is probably all her schedule can hold and that is questionable, ok? So, she hired a woman to manage it for her. That woman happens to also live in her home and care for her when needed.

Enter Alice. Alice is a woman in her 40's who could pass for a woman in her 60's. Homegirl has done a lot of living. She's a trooper and an incredibly hard worker and it takes approximately 12 seconds to see that she has never put herself first. There are a million notable things about her, but specifically, Alice has the most unique voice you have ever heard. All I am saying is that her voice makes people from the most remote part of East Tennessee sound like Rhodes Scholars.

I distinctly remember the day I walked in our home, after a long day of work, to Alice standing 3 inches from the TV screen. Maybe 2 and half. What happened next has become a staple any time I decide it is the right time to wow a crowd with my impersonations. She rambled for a solid three minutes about how horrified she was by the untimely death of Anna Nicole Smith. (who wasn't?) The wonder of it all was that she never (a) came up for breath or (b) repeated a single word twice. I caught, "I don't never wanna live in a world where a girl caint just raise her baby in peace, I swear, that girl had to lose weight takin some drug and I bet that's what did her in".

So, Alice has been known to sneak attack and just stop by the house unannounced. It is usually because, God love her, she is quick to respond to anything that needs fixing in the house. In fact, her visits are part of how we welcome the newest roommate. We make them answer the door. Its that good.

Today, Alice is here to work on the yard. Her unwilling son has been roped into this manual labor and I'm not going to be next. As I hide in my room, I can hear her screeching orders to her pre-teen child who looks like he would rather be playing World of Warcraft. It has me wanting to clean my room, honestly.

So, today, as I would rather be stretched out on the couch just because, I will be busy at work in my room, making no discernible noise, trying not to be discovered. Shhhhh.