Sometimes I'll be minding my own business and fear will absolutely grip me. Like the other day when I remembered I gave my dad a skydiving adventure for Christmas this year. That seemed awesome in December. Now, May seems to be creeping closer and closer and it occurs to me... we are going to jump out of a plane. But don't worry. I was already told to wear a long sleeve shirt so my arms don't flap on the video that I will show to anyone who will watch... until the end of time. So we're good.
In all seriousness, there have been times in my life where I actually pursue the scary things. No, I don't (only) mean the time I tried cheese for my 30th birthday (but it was scary.) I'm talking about the motorcycle riding kinda stuff. Really, moving to a new town knowing only my sister was scary in a way. There's something lovely about feeling that alive, right?
Well, for your reading pleasure, I have two (potentially) humiliating stories to tell about fear... and I wish I were more embarrassed by them. In chronological order:
(1) The time I played a solo on my xylophone.
Seriously. The year was 1994 and I was a xylo novice. I was only one year in with the marching Greenwave, y'all. So, at the first game of the season (against Walterboro...sometimes my memory freaks me out) someone yelled the words that got my blood propelling through my veins. "Wipeout." Now, you need to know that Jay-the-Wonder-Senior had been the only one to play it at games before then. People would lose. their. minds. It was like we were all instantly transported to a party in the Caribbean with tiki torches. Absolute mayhem. Every band member (we were an excitable crew of 300ish) would abandon their instrument and start to cut a serious rug. Jay played "Wipeout" better than the Surfaris. Jay could handle the attention and smile and woo every girl in the process. He was a xylophone phenom. I was... a sophomore in a wool uniform in August. But I had heart. I... tried.
I remember hearing the snare drummer count off the beginning of the song with his drum sticks. Then, I vaguely remember shaking so violently from my nerves that my legs literally buckled underneath me. I didn't fall but I don't know how. I am fairly sure I got approximately 2 stanzas of the song out and then stopped playing. I pretended the drums could take it from there. It didn't work. For weeks afterward, I would daydream about playing it perfectly, cute trumpet-playing boys would wink at me and I would rise to Nerd Royalty. Instead, I took my position as "one of the twins" that had, arguably, a little too much energy at all times. I don't recall Kristin being thrilled about all of it but I could be wrong.
2. The time I met my pretend boyfriend's parents.
So, in college, I sort of dated this boy (and, by that, I mean I thought we were and he did not think we were dating.) We spent a few months hanging out so, when his folks were coming all the way from Texas to SC, it seemed only natural to meet them. Right? In the college cafeteria? Sure.
What I remember is a blur of total mind numbing anxiety... so much so that, hand to God- I actually lost my vision. I am not even joking. I couldn't hear anything anyone was saying because I could only hear my heartbeat in my ears... over meeting the parents of a boy I wasn't even dating. YOU GUYS. It was only made worse when they called me the wrong name and promptly fell in love with my roommate and, no doubt, recommended the boy date her instead. I get it though. She was/is fabulous. Don't worry, things with this boy only got much more embarrassing down the road. Shockingly, things didn't work out...weird.
I wish, when listing things I am afraid of, I had the sense to include "embarrassing myself."
I did something last night that totally scared me. I wrote a song with my friend Cliff. We rocked out a tune in 2 hours and, from what I'm told, that's pretty quick. It needs some tweaks but I'm telling you what... SO FUN! I'm not a song writer, friends. Well, I guess I can't say that anymore. Anyway, I was totally nervous and it turned out to be a great tune. We will... wait for it... be PERFORMING said song at the Emma Talent Show this year. Which means.... stay tuned for the next story of humiliation. Its not "if"... its "when."
One thing I'm not afraid of is enjoying an annual green beer (Erin Go Bragh). Or staying up late to watch Tiger Woods on Jimmy Fallon or walking up early so I can get a jump on the work day. Night night!
xo.
