I have started to write this post a handful of times. I planned when I would write it, how I would write it and *if* I would write it. Each time ended in the closing of my computer and the thought of saving it for another day.
It doesn't feel safe.
But I'm going to do it. I am going to share the personal on a very public stage. (Because it seems I have an international viewership, y'all.) Before I get started, I need you to know two things:
(a) I am nervous to share this with you because I fear your response. I don't dread your response. I fear it. I fear it because I know you will all mean well when you offer advice. I know your words will come from a well-meaning heart. I am just a little fragile right now and I am not ready to hear of every story, person and experience you have to share with me. Thank you, but no, I am not ready to make connections {about it} with those beyond my people yet. I am learning that my favorite response so far is not a solution but a simple admission that it sucks. Do with that what you will, my loves.
(b) I am OK. This is a post that has been considered over and over. I am ready to share it. Be gentle.
Here goes. In February of this year, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. It was a devastation but not a shock. If you have been reading for any amount of time, you know I have had on and off again struggles with eye trouble. (Specifically recurrent Optic Neuritis.) While the two years of eye woes were troublesome (and even involved an eye patch for a season), they were not reason enough for the real worry. Until, Christmas Day, I woke up with a numb left leg. After a few days of denial and confusion, I finally made myself say the words out loud to another person. I told Erin and she let me know it was time to call my neurologist. A month later, after a spinal tap, spinal headache and some serious love and support from my people, I was given a new title to add to my story- MS patient.
I have had it fairly easy, friends. As far as MS goes, I am so fortunate to have had blurred vision and numbness as my experience. I am not saying it is easy but I get that I am fortunate. With that said, I am currently battling a bout of profound numbness (yet, somehow, pain too... rude) in both feet and my left leg. It is completely frustrating to have trouble getting around and I will be glad when it passes. If I had to say one nice thing about MS, I would say it is a disease of seasons. How wonderful to know this one will pass. That is mercy.
In order to share that info with you, I must share the other half. My thoughts and truths so far:
1. I am so loved that it is scary. I actually don't know what to do about it and that makes me the most fortunate girl you know.
2. I am afraid but not despairing. There is a difference.
3. I cannot do next week yet. I can do tomorrow. It is my new mode of operation.
4. I am amazed by the amount of homeopathic solutions available.
5. I do not want to take injections for the rest of my life but I am not going to spit on progress either. I am just not ready to start them yet (and hope I never will be.)
6. MS will be part of my story but it won't be the whole story.
7. I go through emotional changes, regarding my diagnosis, rather often. One day I am empowered and the next I am just sad. I have touched down everywhere in between. This will be the case forever. If we talk about this face to face, please don't be alarmed if I laugh about it or if I cry. I wear both hats every day.
There are many more thoughts I have about this disease and the community surrounding it. I won't share it all here, though. I could spend an hour listing the people who have spoken life into my situation- breathed hope. I can't list them all. I could share all of my specific fears but I won't give in to them tonight.
So, why now? Why share this 6 months later? Well, I'm glad you asked. I am participating in a bike race the first weekend in October. It is called "Jack and Back" and will be a bike ride from Nashville to the Jack Daniels distillery in Lynchburg. I am riding with my team from work and my brother in law, Chad, is even coming to ride with us! I am looking forward to the challenge and hope I can do it well! It is 150 miles split over 2 days and will require a new wave of gumption from yours truly. I am up to it and growing more and more excited each day. If you would like to, check out my PAGE.
I have no plans to start writing about MS in this space (where we tell stories.) I am not ready for that. I just needed to let you in on my life and, even though it is scary, mom reminded me- I am not a person without Hope.
xo.
