on Seasons

Hey you- I am grateful for you.

I tend toward contemplation in the Fall and this year promises to be no exception. Interestingly, this blog has become a tool for just such an exercise. I mean, I am just as surprised as you are that this thing has lasted four years. FOUR years, you guys. (well, almost. In a couple months will be the 4 year marker.) I tend to look back at a day in my own history via my blog. Today, I indulged in September in years gone by. I find myself changed a bit. In good and bad ways, if I'm honest. I also find myself constant in some ways. (Always nice to not feel nuts every now and then.)

Just one week shy of a year ago, I started the goal of writing mostly stories here in this space. I wanted to step away from the Facebookery my blog had become and I leaned in to storytelling. Here, a year later, I feel like I still have stories to tell. I shall continue because, let's be real, I will continue to do and experience ridiculous things and I will want nay... need you to be a part. It just makes things funnier.

I have mentioned before that I like the idea of themes and seasons. I don't know, I guess I just like knowing what I'm working with. If you told me I had to eat only kale for a month, you better believe my mantra would become, "I can do anything for a month." Now, if it were open ended, I would laugh at you. So, I find myself a creature who loves a set time frame. (What control issues?) I think, in order to accomplish (a) a breath of fresh air for this blog and (b) an opportunity to glory in my neurosis, I will begin a year of monthly themes.

It is a little late in September to start now so I'll probably just start in October. Based upon an overwhelming acknowledgement of the good things in my life, the theme for October will be gratefulness. You will hear stories of gratitude, examples of it in my life, other people's stories and maybe even thoughts from a book or movie... I don't know. We're crazy around here.*

So, this theme thing will also be a means to get me back in the saddle. After a bit of a hiatus, I am ready and excited to get back in the groove of writing.

Good night, friends. More soon!
- Kelley

PS. I will have you fabulous people know that you helped me raise over $1,000 for the MS 150 "Jack and Back" bike ride I'll be doing in just a couple weeks. I am so thankful for your love and support!!

PPS. My hair is now reallllly red, you guys. Kristin did and I rather love it! In case you are like me rock and RSS feed and, therefore, never actually look at blogs any more, you may like to hop over and take a peek at the update I made to the old girl. Just updated my picture and the background but it switches things up nicely. Pretty soon, my friend is going to do a design for this thing and I'm pretty stoked. Stay tuned. ;)


*fine. its just me but doesn't it sound zany to say "we're crazy around here" over "I'm seriously crazy over here?" I think that point just made itself.

On "the biggest challenge yet".

I have started to write this post a handful of times. I planned when I would write it, how I would write it and *if* I would write it. Each time ended in the closing of my computer and the thought of saving it for another day.

It doesn't feel safe.

But I'm going to do it. I am going to share the personal on a very public stage. (Because it seems I have an international viewership, y'all.) Before I get started, I need you to know two things:

(a) I am nervous to share this with you because I fear your response. I don't dread your response. I fear it. I fear it because I know you will all mean well when you offer advice. I know your words will come from a well-meaning heart. I am just a little fragile right now and I am not ready to hear of every story, person and experience you have to share with me. Thank you, but no, I am not ready to make connections {about it} with those beyond my people yet. I am learning that my favorite response so far is not a solution but a simple admission that it sucks. Do with that what you will, my loves.

(b) I am OK. This is a post that has been considered over and over. I am ready to share it. Be gentle.

Here goes. In February of this year, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. It was a devastation but not a shock. If you have been reading for any amount of time, you know I have had on and off again struggles with eye trouble. (Specifically recurrent Optic Neuritis.) While the two years of eye woes were troublesome (and even involved an eye patch for a season), they were not reason enough for the real worry. Until, Christmas Day, I woke up with a numb left leg. After a few days of denial and confusion, I finally made myself say the words out loud to another person. I told Erin and she let me know it was time to call my neurologist. A month later, after a spinal tap, spinal headache and some serious love and support from my people, I was given a new title to add to my story- MS patient.

I have had it fairly easy, friends. As far as MS goes, I am so fortunate to have had blurred vision and numbness as my experience. I am not saying it is easy but I get that I am fortunate. With that said, I am currently battling a bout of profound numbness (yet, somehow, pain too... rude) in both feet and my left leg. It is completely frustrating to have trouble getting around and I will be glad when it passes. If I had to say one nice thing about MS, I would say it is a disease of seasons. How wonderful to know this one will pass. That is mercy.

In order to share that info with you, I must share the other half. My thoughts and truths so far:

1. I am so loved that it is scary. I actually don't know what to do about it and that makes me the most fortunate girl you know.
2. I am afraid but not despairing. There is a difference.
3. I cannot do next week yet. I can do tomorrow. It is my new mode of operation.
4. I am amazed by the amount of homeopathic solutions available.
5. I do not want to take injections for the rest of my life but I am not going to spit on progress either. I am just not ready to start them yet (and hope I never will be.)
6. MS will be part of my story but it won't be the whole story.
7. I go through emotional changes, regarding my diagnosis, rather often. One day I am empowered and the next I am just sad. I have touched down everywhere in between. This will be the case forever. If we talk about this face to face, please don't be alarmed if I laugh about it or if I cry. I wear both hats every day.

There are many more thoughts I have about this disease and the community surrounding it. I won't share it all here, though. I could spend an hour listing the people who have spoken life into my situation- breathed hope. I can't list them all. I could share all of my specific fears but I won't give in to them tonight.

So, why now? Why share this 6 months later? Well, I'm glad you asked. I am participating in a bike race the first weekend in October. It is called "Jack and Back" and will be a bike ride from Nashville to the Jack Daniels distillery in Lynchburg. I am riding with my team from work and my brother in law, Chad, is even coming to ride with us! I am looking forward to the challenge and hope I can do it well! It is 150 miles split over 2 days and will require a new wave of gumption from yours truly. I am up to it and growing more and more excited each day. If you would like to, check out my PAGE.

I have no plans to start writing about MS in this space (where we tell stories.) I am not ready for that. I just needed to let you in on my life and, even though it is scary, mom reminded me- I am not a person without Hope.

xo.

Carolism

I must interrupt this story telling series for a small shout-out to Carol. This morning, while on her way to her new doctor (one of the steps of moving from North to South Carolina), she gave me a call. After a delightful chat, this happened:

me: So, I'll just give you a call tomorrow.
Carol: Oh shoot- where is that hospital. UGH- I'm a terrible person.
me: MOM!
Carol: No- I'm not. I meant to say, "I'm a terrible person with directions."
me: well, that's true.
Carol: OH GOOD- there's a helicopter. I'll follow it. Bye!
me: oh, lord.

Ain't no party like a Carol Kirker party cuz a Carol Kirker party don't stop.